Expectations Hurts..

..is this love all about xpectations...koi kisi koi jaisa hai waisa kyu nai accept kar pata...why didnt nyone ever have taught anyone how to do the mind reading..i was no god who cud do it..long distance relations with assurance abt future..bt sab circumstances n situations dont let ny1 lead without suffocating the heart....it takes a lot of effort to maintain the bonding...but without patience how cud...
...arguments n debates...kisi ne sahi se politely baat karna nai sikhaya kya...why being so dominating always...it feels like evrythng is bleedng n cryng insyd wen we wer talkng..d wrds piercing so sharply..

what i never realized before..was the depth of love i hold for u...tabhi itni jaldi bhul gae he's d special sm1 in my lyf..took thngs fr grantd..bt wen i knw wot my faults are n tryng to make thngs fyn y dun ny1 cooperate thoda sa...
thr are thosands of thngs i jus hate abt u now..the way u talk to me now...the way u neglect thngs now...n most--ur attitude...
but still i knw all this is temporary...cz insyd u feel vry alone..n d frustation boils up..
u know wen frst tym i saw u..thn us k baad bhi kafi baar miley...wot made me love u is nothng of ur outsyd appearence..i loved ur inner core..n still....no matter how much u get angry on me dat flame cant be diminished..
i loved ur innocence...d way u showed ur protectiveness towards me..respected ur possessiveness...ur decency...ur enthusiasm..ur purity whch i feel is diminishing thats y i had askd u to plz maintain it...

slowly while learing the true meaning of love ..read..heard..felt..its jus abt giving n giving without expecting....wot i ws doing... dats y i nvr complaint abt expectaions nt gttng fulfilled..i ws patient dat slowly we will learn abt responsibility with tym..seems u nvr needed love...u wantd to hold it tight...its d comfort compatibility n understndng u needed..needed sm1 who's exactly same as u...
...i felt i ws d one who cud fill in d gaps of ur life..wots nt in u is in me..n wots nt in me is in u...can't all dat be bonded n made as one...jus being a bit like soft clay..a bit humble... at least in d matter of relation if not in ur life or career.. .
..bt jb bhi i try to xplain u the thngs my way..the "conversation" turns out to b as "arguments"..

..i will wait fr u fr this lifetym...cz probably in nxt birth i will gt u..mayb thn the stars turn in my favour...

...u knw jb entirely ek dusre pe depend ho jatey hain toh dun knw in sm subconsious mind humein lagney lagta hai we both knw each othr very well ..bt aesa nai hota..with tym chnges hotey rehtey hain thinkng mein....n with tym we stop puttng in d effort jus feelng hum toh jantey hi hain iss bande ko..n frm thr relations gt sore...n i feel aesa hi kuch hua tha btwn us too...thats y samajh nai pa rhe the...par tab reasons dhundhne ki koshish nai kari dat aesa kyu hua...har problm ka solution hota hai..n d solution u found is jus so incredible....bas blame karte rhe har baat ka ek dusre pe...n d day came jb we went so far away...
teri purity..u urslf felt u r losing dat..dat ws smthng cz of whch i "praised" u...bt wen u knw u r losng toh u knw d reason too na..n u can keep it maintained too..its all in ur hand...2yrs mein itna chng thodi hota hai...n wen i think..it feels shayd cz of me all dat happened...it ws me whom u loved..n thn ur heart cudnt bear wen it didnt got d love in the way it expected....n made ur softest part so hard...n hidden frm the world..
i believe..that i can make that barren land colourful again.....bt its ur trust too dats needed...
..it hurts now to see u in such ways...teri batein.... :'(
.wo energy n enthusiasm chali jaeygi aese karega toh...i care for u...
.........I CAN....jus a lil belief u cant dewll on me..?..i promise u will nvr evr have a tear in ur eye or ny pain in ur heart....
..if nt me..trust smthng called love.
..if nt my mind..plz trust my heart... :'(

Eterno Dreams ... ♥



Every time i step out of my house..the path leads to follow the dreams..
With the memories we shared rebounds back...
Making me smile , Remembering those naughty deeds, those speed chasing fights...
With every Eterno that comes in view , I always try to feel its you..
But All the times the imaginations fail...

A miracle had happened just one day..the unexpectedly hurried chase towards destinations..u came into view under least of expectations...
Perplexed by the sudden rush of thoughts...
was it a dream going or a real plot...
The smile was hidden somewhere very deep inside which forgot to instantly appear out..
It was a shock ...an enthusiasm..or a mockery on me by my destiny at large...
My Eterno Dreams were blurring as the moments passed...

Unknown of the tears rolling out...
unknown of the smiley curve growing loud...

i loved n treasured those seconds that made me save the day for keeping in memories so far...
Refreshing the moments we had with "our buddy" in those tiny hours..
That first time holding hands sitting on its back..
adjustments of rear view mirror to see someone smiling far..
speedy rides togther..
cleaning of the windy tears...
clutchng u tightly from the back..
saving the moment for sparking the memory frames in the dark..

With evry Eterno I try to feel its you...
With evry Eterno I pray hard again for that miracle to come true....♥

{>saw him one day(31/8/09) while going to college..n he was going to see his dad at the hospital<}
15/09/09

I Love U...

kuch yadoon k daaman nanhi hatheliyon mein sametey toh hain..
par darr lagta hai unse roo-ba-roo honey mein...
darr tha kabhi un yadoon ko bhool janey ka,
par ab ummeedoon ne bhi sath chod diya..
nam aankon se duniya dekhi hai..
har sahkhs mein uski parchae dhundhi hai..
par kab kisi ne ess ruh k andar jhankney ki koshish kari hai...
En nam gaaloon pe ab sirf hawa k jhonkey mehsus kiye hain...siskiyon k sath saanson k thamney ki khwaish ki hai...

Na shikayat thi koi..na shikayta hai koi..
wo sambhawnayen hi aesi thi koi..

es bebasi k kinare pe ek kashti ka intezaar hai..
jin rastoon pe muskura kar agey sath badna tha..ab akele ek ek kadam pe kadmon ko ladkhadatey dekha hai...

Darr lagta haiun nazdikiyon, rishton, vishwaas k bandhnoon se...
na janey kab kisi ki mansha badal jaye...na janey kab koi paraya ho jaye..

Un mann k darwazon ko yun band kiya hai, k berukhi ko apna naam diya hai...
Har ek muskurahat k baad kuch dwand sa saamney aata hai...
jo haq kho diya wo wapas kyun apna ehsaas dilata hai?
Un aansuon k sath bikhartey dhundhley sapnon mein ab bhi koi apna sa nazar aata hai...


14/9/2009


I Love U...

Happy Birthday…
..to d gurl..who broke Me..my trust…
..on whom I pity d most cz of her “sad sob unexpected””exceptional””life”<<..as she herself defines it that ways..>>
..completely unknown to me….bt who had made such a drastic effect on my life…(n m as always trying being optimistic)…d gurl who had made me think..to an extent I cud nvr had believed I cud..who unknowingly taught me that world is all cold n cruel..may not be her “intentions”..bt her every “action” did things dat ways….
…d only gurl fr whom I jus always used to forgt all my possessiveness fr my love…whom I trusted as he did on me…bt haah..those bigg stones wer thrown on my trust…n terrible reasons provided thn….i cud hv easily made my heart believe that he’s nt in my destiny..he’s nt mine…IF ONLY its nt fr THIS gurl I wud hav been cheated on…whom I trusted as much as to him…
even smtimes my deep subconscious mind didn’t allowed to faith anyone…I did trusted against will..drowned in her tears…rather thn my own heart’s pain…..

..though her intentions wer clean as they wer presented...bt smwhr insyd I ws always insecure bt nvr let distrust of any kind surface…bt see hw true it ws…paying fr nt believing myslf...
D pain of losing him jus in front of my eyes evn wen I cud hv done smthng…
My simple love….
Only if I knew dat permanent is nothing…
Only if I wudnt b so innocent n thinking purly abt d frndshp’s btwn thm which ws turning into smthng else….haah..d “besti’s”…..blaming on my mentality..ohh..hw gr8 is urs thn nw..??..
how cud d life played so big tactics against me…
Wot the hell wrong I did wid this gurl dat I ws being left so severly broken deep insyd, frevr…
I wasn’t d gf of any of her bf…I wasn’t involved wid ny of her bf as she ws wid mine..wot if I had been in her place n did xactly wot she did to me..….i bet she’d nvr hav forgiven me…

A girl whose life I wonder…she says its full of exceptions…
….since her school time I nvr heard she havng any good female frnd….I nvr saw any gurl that ways evr…
thn making my best relation as her’s…..d gurl who once seemingly cursed me by sayng dat “she see’s her past in my future..”-n dat happened…dats wot she xactly DID…
D girl who didn’t even let his purity stay with him…which I promised him smday dat he shudn’t lose it at any cost…bt pomises are always broken..


…my rosy colored simple life made complicated by sm1 so unknown to me…
…bt thn too I thank her………….

Thank her -------------------------------

*…to make me knw dat trust is easily broken…actually meant to be if its purely blind..…

*…to make me THINK……..severly….till all nerves of d brain begins to ache terribly..

*To make me realize that memories cant b lost..

*To make me understand the reality of distances …

*To make me see the real weaknesses hidden in me…

*….to make me explore the real me…n my horizons…

*…dat I really CAN smtym n learning to do smthng impossibly tough --to forgive n forget.…

*…dat most of the times..though how much severely hurt by sm1 I still cannot see the negatives…

*…dat now I realize that love’s d oxygen for me..though m unconscious abt its presence bt I constantly need it once m out in d world…(being on life saving ventilator now…)

*..dat I don’t hide behind reasons..ever…wots truth m comfortable in showing dat…n fr me no amount of reasoning n analysis cud chng d truth..!!

****..dat I learnt , for me love is not about fulfilling EXPECTATIONS..its about discovering n knowing each other bttr wid tym..being more of an observant....though xpectations comes..bt in my case I try to keep thm invisible..its about giving…..n asking not demanding..…
…giving d simplest thng…(n hey..nt d gifts n all dat stuff)..invisible abundance care,support…n everything personalized… n also m nt of d view of encroaching the personal space n freedom in one’s life …Its nt abt being wid d feel of “being around wid him 24*7”..bt most importantly wen needed…n feel dat silence is purest in between wen its filled wid nothng else bt love….distances do increase love..bt only if cellphones let dat happen.. fr dat I hate owing a phone… :x

*..dat I hav discovered that one shud strive to b perfectly dual(practical n
emotional)..at a same time…!!...rare trait to possess though… B-)

* I learnt dat addictions make me uncomfortable…

.*.dat no matter how much anger boils in me..i CAN present myself calm in front of d world…I learnt to act..n hide..!! ..n to let d anger go off my mind n soul…n let the thngs flow wid situations..

*…dat before him I was alone…thn once I thought its “destiny”…thn I ws “scared” being alone……..thn loved to b lost in d crowd wen my tears roll out…nw feel its really d destiny wot makes me complete in my own company….solitude is smthng I SHOULD love nw…big paradoxes playng around me..!!

*lastly to make me realize how much I love my love………n will always n always n always do….n more thn any1 cud ever…….


Charity pay’s for ur soul..…n this is wot I did…letting my life go free...mayb she need sm love more thn me…cz I dun want her to cry fr him…cz I knw n learning too to spread smiles……….


--------------------Ab agar tum mile toh..itna yakeen hai…hans dengey hum toh..rona nahin hai…..









.............................Before u met me, u were sad, i was happy, then i gave u my smile , and took away ur sadness,

and now i m going away forever, will take ur sadness and hide it in some part of my life and u will never feel that the smile up there is not yours.. its MINE..

.....yet another teary time...completed reading “message in a bottle” ....Garette..Theresa..Cathrine.....though a story..bt powerful enough to make eyes wet wid every page I read...fr me indeed more overwhelming, cz it make me remembr all dat happened wid me......to re-live all those moments again...to feel all that again …slowly tym is making me slip off my hands...i tightly cling all dat bt thn too d memory is fading.....whenever i remember i can feel him near...though hav to try hard nw..bt i CAN..cz his presence is preserved deep insyd me...i cn feel his hands on my cheek...those hugs n d way he use to put a hand on my head.....

..no amount of analysis can change the truth wot really is…dat I love him..still…d same…n more thn I did ever…

He ws so much simple wen we met 2yrs back..thn dun knw frm whr all d complexities dwelled in d lives…though they wer bt nt so much loudly talked about….

It ws not his looks or anything that made me love him..its some strange raw purity in him that I felt…which eventually is fading..n fading..

..it ws a big time we wer togther..n nvr discussed the real important thngs..dat y d distances ruining the bonding….it ws becoming tough to nt being around nw…bt nvr talked abt finding any solution..waited fr future n present got so much distorted…shayd dats being d side effects of being unxperinced abt big thngs in life…

Growing together brings the best in any relation…which none of us understood…cz we wer nt together in real sense..imaginations cant help always..

…sm lil basic naturally occurring thngs..creates big magical effects…d face to face conversations…smiling at teach othr..laughing out loud together…sitting silently…noticing the reaction wen smthng suddenly happens...in real way Understanding each other that comes naturally nt really explaining each thng…cz v really dun knw ourselves d way other person can.........

I missed all dat in my life...n nw in my memories too....

…nw..I fear having close proximities n relations wid anyone...fear getting hurt again..modifying myself to not to seek any bondings ever cz in d end evry1 leaves leaving u terribly puzzled in between thousands of reasons..n oceans of tears..cz NOW I really realized dat ‘being alone’ is destined for ME.. ..its not only the breaths we get that are counted…but now I realize its also d tears..no matter how hard u try to escape or stop the feeling..they do make thr way out…

…in times of his trouble every moment i try to b near him..(though cud b only imaginatively)….to make him positive wenevr thngs go wrong...to make him realize dat God's always a saviour n nuthng cud happen to his dad n soon d sufferings will b ovr...wenevr i hear dat tired voice i feel lyk keepng his head in my lap n giv him nice masage n make him sleep losing all his tensions...to hug him tightly wen tears jus tend to drop frm his eyes while fighting frm situations n being strong fr evry1..….bt not being able to b fr himself….losing his cool at tyms…

… to let all the tears flow by, smtym ,if really needed without him being shying away n hiding them from anyone...

..jus want to brk off frm d situations n make evrythng as before….an impossible kinda thought..to break icy wall whch cud only b melted...

……..the unfair thing about d whole situation is that i still miss him sometimes, or rather,

always the good parts about him..

“......in a world that i seldom understand, there are winds of destiny that blow when we least expect them, sometimes they gust with d fury of a hurricane, sometimes they barely fan one's cheek. But the winds cannot be denied, Bringing, as they often do, a future that is impossible to ignore.....”

......................The emptiness is killing me slowly as i wipe the tears that fall from my eyes,I realize u're really gone.My heart breaks as it crumbles to the floor,I drop to my knees unaware of what to do. I close my eyes and picture you,I see your face,your smile.I feel your arms around me holding me tightly,so tightly I can't breath,I gasp for air.All alone, scared....Thats how I feel without you..





I Love U..